My friend Brooke is a fabulous baker, and she made me this most amazing chocolate birthday cake. It's two layers, and, I think the icing in between the layers is whatever they put inside a Hostess Cupcake. Oh, so, very yummy....

It's my birthday, so I'm feeling a bit reflective, and yet....random, so here you go:

I have a pretty good life. It's taken me awhile to get to that point, what with the depression and beating it into submission, but, all in all, it's a pretty damn good. I've got some amazing and wonderful friends and family. I've got a good job at the market that mostly doesn't suck, that pays the bills and supplies me with health insurance. I also have a job (doing Jennie stuff) that pays my soul, without which I might go crazy. I have a cute & evil cat that loves me, and me alone. What more could a girl ask for?

Well, someone to share it with would be nice. Strangely, the right guy hasn't knocked on my door to say "here I am!" I'm kind of okay with that, but only kind of, so that's something I need to work on in the next year.

Which brings me to my biggest project of the year: me. This has to be the year of me getting in shape, losing some weight, and overall being healthier. Honestly, if that right guy DID show up at my door, I'd tell him he had the wrong apartment and close the door in his face. Because I'm not comfortable in my own skin, nor do I like the way I look and feel. So, first, I need to love me, then we'll see about someone else loving me.

I've gone off my meds. It wasn't something I planned to do, but I did, and now I'm trying to decide whether I should go back. Our insurance changed in the first of April, and, part of the change was that we now have to fill all of our regular prescriptions via 90-day mail order supply or pay regular price for them. I set up all mine, and, of course, I was out of the Zoloft when I did. What I didn't realize was that it takes about 10 days to fill them. All my other scrips went through fine, but, for one reason or another, there was glitch with the Zoloft, and now I have to set it up at my next appointment with my doc. But here's the thing: it took so long, I've been through the withdrawal (yes, stupid, I didn't realize that's what it was until it was almost over, and I thought the meds were on the way), and I feel...fine. Good, even. Of course, I have yet to go through pms without it, so, that could change things. But, maybe I don't need it anymore? That thought is both scary (what if I'm wrong and the depression shows back up and grabs me by the throat again, just like it always has?) and liberating. I know, I know, I really should discuss all of this with my doctor, and I will.

After receiving hardly any spam in my email for about a month, suddenly, it's back with a vengeance. Did the spammers all go on vacation? Did they realize they had been neglecting me and decide to make up for lost time? Or, maybe, they were lulling me into a false sense of over-confidence, a la: I, Courtney DeRusha, have deleted SO much spam, that they now fear me, and I will be spam free. Nope. Thank god for the "Bulk Mail" folder on yahoo. And, p.s., did you know that they're still sending out the one where all you have to do is send someone in Nigeria your bank account #, and they'll give you 10% of a gazillion dollars? They are. Do people still really fall for that? Who fell for it to begin with?

Another thing I haven't seen in awhile: deer. I drive through a lot of boonies to get to my apartment building, and, usually, I see at least one or two a week. Last time I saw them was a little more than a month ago, when a 8 or so of them nearly had words with my car. They came out of nowhere, but I managed to stop--and two of them actually stopped, which was good, because, if they hadn't, there would have been contact. It was, perhaps, a near-death experience. But, since then, nothin'. I keep waiting for them to reappear in spades, too. I'd much prefer them over the spam.

I think deer are kind of magical. While out west (or...somewhere) they still have herds of wild horses (and maybe buffalo?), they're the only big herd animal that we still have in the U.S., and that alone makes them special. Last summer, I had the coolest deer experience. I was driving to work along the cornfields, when, up ahead, I saw this buck peering around the corner of the field. Naturally, I slowed, waaaay down, because I did not want my car to get into a fight with him. When I got close, he ducked back around the corn, and when I got to where I could see around the edge of the cornfield, he looked back at me, and then he--and two other bucks!--went prancing off in the other direction. It was very beautiful, and magical.

As signs go, it was a good one. Three is supposed to be a powerful, magical number. And who sees three bucks together at the same time? I don't know that I really believe in signs, but I think it's an interesting idea. And, I think, when something completely magical and unexpected happens, we should pay attention. Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something. Or maybe it's just saying, "Ooo, look, pretty!"



*Title blatantly stolen from the blog of author
Jennifer Crusie, which I highly recommend.

I got aches and I got chains
And I've got demons I give names
So I can tell 'em all exactly where to go
I loved the convict and the rodeo clown
I got claws, I got scars
I've been to hell, I've been to Mars

Regrets don't add up in your favor
And if you think life tastes good
Well then I suggest you savor it
Cuz you're gonna wish you had
but it's gonna be too late to change
Oh, yeh, you're gonna wish you had
while it all does twirling down the drain

And where do I spend all the time
That I've been spending
And what does it mean to all the people
I've been sending signals
And how does anybody really start over again
And when do you think this story comes to an end
And shouldn't we all just keep going
Forward in time

Get up of the floor
Go get yourself a drink
I can't believe I stayed here knowing
How little you really think of me
Get up off my soul
And go get back in line
I just lost my head for a minute
But now I'm back
Going forward in time

When is enough really enough
Why must a spark become a flame
Why can't it stay a spark
Why does it need a name
Why can't a glow just keep on glowing
Why must it burn down
And be all-knowing
Over-powering and under-towing

How does a growl become a bark
How does a bark become a bite
One flick of attention never gets mentioned
Until it's blown all apart
And when is too far really going too far
Tell me, what's in a name
Tell me, what's in a scar

Get up of the floor
Go get yourself a drink
I can't believe I stayed here knowing
How little you really think of me
Get up off my soul
And go get back in line
I just lost my head for a minute
But now I'm back
Going forward in time

I've been weak and I've been strong
At times I've waited way to long
Sometimes the lessons that you learn
Are really hard
I could say trust me
But, then again, who am I
I'm just another one livin' like I won't die
(Like I won't die)

So why the hell should anybody
Do one thing I say
And why the hell should anybody care about
One thing I care about
All I know is the great beyond is so beyond
And love is blind but I think it's time
We all stepped back to see

Get up of the floor
Go get yourself a drink
I can't believe I stayed here knowing
How little you really think of me
Get up off my soul
And go get back in line
I just lost my head for a minute
But now I'm back
Going forward in time

To hear this song, go
here and scroll down to "Forward In Time."

And, because I LOVE Jennie doing this song, there's this. It's very therapeutic to sing along to.

The President of the United States wants to address America's school children in the classroom.

The...I believe Sarah Palin would call them "Real Americans," object to this. The nerve! Of the...the...President! Of the...United States...wants to....ohmygod.....SPEAK to the children of the United States? Who the hell does he think he is? The presi-oh, um, yeah. Right.

Because he might: a) indoctrinate them (into, um, what exactly?); b) brainwash them (perfectly logical); c) encourage them to...to...work hard and stay in school. (Shudder.)

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These people scare the hell out of me. And there are a lot of them. They really, truly, honestly believe that Obama is trying to turn this country into a socialist state. (Good sweet lord! He wants everybody to have health care! He doesn't want them to be sick and dying just because they can't afford health insurance. What the hell is wrong with him? If they can't afford it, well, that's just too bad now, isn't it?) They really, truly, honestly believe that Obama will set up "death panels" to decide which of our elderly are worth saving and which are not. They really, truly, honestly believe whatever Rush Limbaugh tells them to believe.

These people? Are nut jobs.

Now. Rewind the tape one year. Say that The President of the United States, in this case, one George W. Bush, wanted to address America's schoolchildren. Would we be having this discussion? I mean, I can tell you that I think our former president was (is) an unintelligent, close-minded, inappropriately evangelical horse's ass. But, if he had wanted to address America's kids and encourage them to work hard and stay in school, even I would not have objected. Because I? Am a rational human being.

Would somebody please tell these "concerned parents" to GROW UP?

Life is not what I had planned, not what I expected...but it is good. I am doing things now that I never would have expected doing a year ago...and I am loving it. Some things are not as I had hoped them to be...but I am hopeful that some of those dusty dreams may yet come true...and that others I had not even thought to dream of might appear before me, magical and mysterious and most welcome. Life is what happens while you're making other plans. Sometimes it sucks, but, mostly, if you can just hang on and duck your head through the rough patches, you get to come out on the other side in a place you had not thought to go. So, here's to another year of figuring out who I am, who I want to be, and what I might become. Life is good.

You kick me in the gut
Then ask if I've any questions
Say it's not about me
Sorry 'bout your luck
Keep doing what you're doing
Just do it all for less

Please and thanks
Don't let the door hit you
On your way out.

But, really, is everything alright?
We'd like you to absolve us
Of all our sins and guilt
Not that we really have any
But it sure looks good in print.

Please and thanks
Don't let the door hit you
On your way out.

Lie to me
Why should I expect respect?
I've only given you my all
But, it's okay,
Now I'll give you shit
You rotten, stinking bastards.

Please and thanks
Don't worry
I've always wanted out.

Tho' I'm happy
To suck you 'til you're dry
I've given you ten years
I'm damned if I'll give you
Any more of my sweat and tears

Please and thanks
I'll take what I can get
I promise, I won't forget.

Thanks for nothing
Assholes
My loyalty counted for shit
And now I'll give you only
What I can get away with

Please and thanks
You dumb shits
I've obviously given you more

Than you were ever worth.

I was going to say, "don't let the door hit you on your way out," but after seeing that bit of self-congratulatory, clueless and smug farewell, I can't bring myself to mean it. In fact, if there are any good kickers available, I'd really like to see them punt him through the door and all the way back to where he came from.

He makes me cringe.

Tonight's fortune cookie:

"Everything will now come your way."

At first I was pleased about this fortune, but now I'm not so sure, as it's lacking on specifics. It doesn't say "everything good will come your way," it just says "everything."

So I'm a little concerned. There's a quote that I love: "I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes they attack all at once." (Sorry, I don't remember who said it.) Hopefully, this fortune is not kinda like that.

And hopefully it doesn't mean that all of the yummy Chinese food that I ate will come back to haunt me.

That would be bad.



I've got to stop over-thinking these things.
Right.

Okay, not Jennie herself (not that I know of-lemme check & get back to you on that), but her music. Check it out:

We live in an interesting, if often scary world. I'm a liberal, there's no question about that. For example, I, like Jon Stewart (see below), do not understand how anyone can consciously ban the right of gay people to be married. In the video below, and in so many other arguments, Mike Huckabee states that, traditionally, marriage is between a man and a woman. And that the fundamental purpose of marriage is the perpetuation of the species. (My words, not Huckabee's.) Well, sure. But, also, traditionally, black men and women were slaves, women were, essentially, property, and children were allowed to work from the earliest age. Some "traditions" were made to be broken.

There are so many injustices in this world. It seems petty to deny people who love each other the right to marry. Yet here, in America, land of the free, and home of the brave, we fight this battle between tradition and reality. Some traditions are beautiful. Take Christmas, the season which is upon us. I am in no way religious. I do not believe that Christ was born and died for our sins. But I think that the Hallelujah chorus is beautiful, and I love the story of the birth of Christ. Christmas is special to me, as a time of family and celebration, and of comfort and joy. I own a nativity scene and a Christmas tree, and I know that there are people who would begrudge me those things because I am not a believer. I feel sorry for those people, because they live in world that is very narrow.

Anyway, I'm a little drunk, because I bought this Long Island Iced Tea mix, which is very good-but also very potent, I've only had one, but-WOOOOO!!! I'd like to be married. I'd like to find a man who'd love me-and like me-for all that I am, who'd be my friend and partner in this thing called life. Maybe, one of these days, I will. I'm not really looking very hard-I've had too much other shit to wade through. But I'm still naive enough to believe in kismet, so maybe he'll find me, somehow. I just wish he'd hurry up. It'd sure be nice to curl up with him in front of the Christmas lights, and have him convince me not to have another Long Island.